I was almost done with my peaceful, and very fulfilling lunch at Pampas, a Brazilian steakhouse in Las Vegas, when a creature from some lagoon sat in front of me and started eating the juicy meats on the table. I was frightened and did not want to disturb this monster's feast, but I wanted the pork slices for myself, so I asked it to kindly leave. The monster did not heed my request, instead it continued to eat, and eat, and eat. The creature grabbed little, wooden red and green doohickey that tells the servers your table wants more meat (green side up = go!), or to stop offering us meats (red side up = stop, I'm full...of beauty!) and turned it to indicate our table wants more meaty scrumptiousness. I was appalled and very much frightened for my life, but it occurred to me that if I just let the weirdo simply have its fill, then I can leave peacefully - and that's what I did, and I survived. Phew!
Tip #1: You may not mind so much that a monster ate most of your food if you got a coupon from Tix4Tonight. Not only do they offer same day show tickets for shows, they also sell coupons that give you discounted rates for some really great buffets and restaurants, including Pampas. Tip #2: Lunch at Pampas is great and well worth it (bring the coupon), but they only serve five kinds of meats at this time. Dinner there is a bit more expensive, but they serve twelve different kinds of meats!
Being a well-rounded human being means being able to model underwater. It's the mark of a true artiste. On my recently concluded trip to Las Vegas I was able to practice my modelling skills at the Beach of Mandalay Bay hotel. The trick is to hold your breath while doing avante garde, contorty poses. This challenge is made even more difficult because the hotel's famous swimming pool generates waves like the oceans do. Super fun! Tip: You will see a blue line on the pool's floor, make sure you hang around the deep side of the line or you'll get mean stares/whistles form the lifeguards! Yazed accompanied me for this shoot and she did some "smizing" as well. She's not as modelesque as I am, but she's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Modelle. Tyra will be proud of her, she just may be the right kind of contestant for that famous reality show. Well, Tyra's done shorties, why not sea creatures, right?
Things to remember when modeling underwater:
1) Never wear chum necklaces when there are sharks around. They're predatory, you know.2) Do not do a photoshoot in Waikiki seven to twelve days after the full moon. Box jellyfishies will get ya! For reals, ya'll.3) Always leave electronics on terra firma. Your iPhone, as multi-talented as it is, does not have an app that turns it into fish.4) Don't go in the water immediately after eating. Your mommie dearest was right.5) When farting, make sure you splash around and generate lots of bubbles with your flailing limbs. This way your fart bubbles are camouflaged by your "distraction" bubbles. 
Of course our photoshoot was inspired by Drew's fabulous underwater shoot with Elle. Her ethereal pics were so fashion-forward and dream-like that I forgot she's not a professional modelle, instead an accomplished actress who completely eliminated her Valley Girl accent for the "Grey Gardens" movie...what?!? Jessica Lange won the Emmy? Drew, dear, you were robbed. Not only did you get rid of your valley girl accent, you nailed everything about "Little Edie".
I just came back from Las Vegas and I had a blast! I usually resist visiting this dry, hot place, but the call of the non-travelling Cirque Du Soleil shows was persistent and ultimately irresistible. On my flight to the desert of despicable desires, I peered out my porthole and saw just how beautiful and unique their landscape really is. Unfortunately, it's a view that lasts for only a few moments as our Virgin America plane zoomed pass these beautiful red cliffs. These photos were taken with my phone. Mother Nature, you're palette is surprising and unexpectedly grandiose.On my flight back, I was anticipating seeing the same landscape spectacle. Alas, I ended up at the wrong side of the plane and instead of seeing the red cliffs that I witnessed earlier, I saw ...dundundun (50's horror soundtrack)...alien abduction sites! These polka-dotted location is a place where the aliens abduct all the people who gambled and lost their rent/food money along with their will to live, so desperation led them to the Extra Terrestial's call to submit to lurid experiments, i.e. anal probing! Moral: Do not gamble all of your money away, unless you want to end up in an eerie, polka-dotted land where you play the role of a guinea pig for these lascivious aliens waiting in the outskirts of Vegas.Note: Not all aliens are anal probers, some are probees (aka bottoms)...just so you know. Don't want to propagate any sort of stereotype. Aliens are human, too.
