A Cat Even Loyal Dog Lovers Can Love

In our quest for a theme for our Christmas 2009 gift exchange we ended up deciding on "Cutesy Patootsy". First because, we all embrace the little girl inside of us and secondly, the budget was $10.00 (in keeping with America's current economic crisis - BTW: Barack, please get us out of Iraq). Of course this theme is subject to varied interpretations and it was meant to be that way. Considering the theme and the budget constraint, one might expect to open a present and see tiny, adorable knick-knacks (cutesy), or probably miniature candies (patootsy), or a framed picture of Taylor Lautner or Nick Jonas(either one of them definitely cutesy patootsy), but that's not what happened.

Now, you've heard of women who work together getting their menstrual cycle synch together, well I guess what happened to us was kinda like that. We all psychic-ly linked and decided that "Cutesy Patootsy" meant only one thing - that classic kawaii icon - Hello Kitty! Now, I really wasn't so surprised because ever since I can remember Sticky Fingers Ann has been robbing my desk of my Hello Kitty pencils. The entire booty comprised of brilliant things such as: mechanical pencils, light up stamps, personalized cards and notebooks, the whole gamut, all emblazoned with Hello Kitty's copyrighted image. We were all transported to when we were giggling little girls with pigtails and frilly dresses...well, ok my memory was invented, but still. Happiness and contentment defined us.

The gifts were great, but I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that no one purchased the fake Sanrio stuff. My friends told me that in certain regions fakers abound and they produce not-quite-right Sanrio knock offs. I don't think I could fake a smile if I ended up opening a present with a cute image of a cat whose name is "Hello Katty". Meeeouch!

Why so crabby?

When my friends said we're eating at Roy's, a hawaiian restaurant chain, I had very low expectations. Having visited Hawaii a few times, I know that anything attempting to be Hawaiian-esque in our cold, foggy city will surely fail. Which is why Roy's was smart in tagging itself as "hawaiian fusion", because grasping for 50th state authenticity is not something you can really achieve.
The evening started inauspiciously, as our table was right underneath a busted light bulb. Great. We needed flashlights to see what they had to offer in their menus. One of my amigas had to stand up and walk closer to the bar where there was better lighting. Not sure if because it was really that dark and the flashlights weren't cutting it, or because she just recently had her blepharoplasty done on her eyes and she was still healing.
Anywho, darkness aside, the food was great and the service highly competent. Make sure to order the crabcake with macadamia nut (pictured here), and finish with the chocolate molten mousse (order early on as it takes the kitchen awhile to prepare this dessert). Please see my complete review at my website. Aloha!

Appeteasers are Crowd Pleasers

Boulevard is to be experienced. From the beautiful Belle Epoque setting designed by Pat Kuleto, to the delicious French-influenced cuisine by Nancy Oakes, the entire time you spend there is absolutely arresting - until you drink the iced tea.
It's a glass of snore.

Anywhooz, enough with the dissing. I still enjoyed this restaurant, despite it's iced tea short coming. The main entree highlights were the rack o'lamb and the pork chop. They were competently created and very good to my tummy, however the starters were beyond the beyond! The two highlights were: soft boiled egg and foie gras. The crispy farm egg, pancetta, with semolina fonduta was amazing. The creativity behind the end product just startled my tastebuds. It gave me a glimpse of what the chef envisioned; she wanted the diner to have that perfect bite - a piece of pancetta, with softboiled egg and porcini mushroom. Honestly, it was lovely. She knew that that perfect bite would be transcendent.

The other appetizer that was equally satisfying was the seared Sonoma foie gras, with pumpkin brioche, spiced butternut squash, candied pecans and cranberry crackle. The rich flavor of the foie gras was the perfect complement to the sweetness of the cranberry crackle and the candied pecans. It's a must have! Although, I must admit that the foie gras got a little too rich and the brioche wasn't neutralizing that immense richness enough, well that's what the free bread is for!

Check out my complete review of Boulevard at http://www.jonseybalonsey.com/.

Combination Soup

Intra-asian fusion in a single bowl = Mabo soup, and you can't have a better serving of this hot, steamy goodness than at Suzu Noodle House. If you've never tried a mabo soup, you're in for a surprise! It's spicy and rich, with a Chinese flair, but still distinctly Japanese.The noodles are perfectly chewy and the broth is appropriately seasoned (although my lunch buddy, Letty, thinks it's a tad salty). I know that locals will argue that Katanaya's soup is superior and maybe they're right, but if you consider how small Katanaya's space is and how un-smiley the service is there, then I think you'll agree that Suzu Noodle House is better.

The stars of this show are really the soup bowls, so stick with ordering them. Please don't order the the shu mai as it almost seems like they're the frozen kind from Costco, however an order of the chicken karaage on the side would be a great complement to the soups, I mean really, Japanese chicken nuggets? You can't go wrong. One of these days I'll go to Suzu and do my best not to order my fave, mabo soup, and try the Karaage soup. I'm sure it's equally yummilicious!

Youth, Where Art Thou, Youth? How I miss you.

It's true, none of us are immune to the effects of aging (Booo to Aging!), therefore we must fight with all our powers to counteract all elements that age us: oxidants, the sun, stress. However, if we've been hit, we need to retaliate with a vengeance. This is what my hermaphrodite friend, Herminia HeSheBe, has done. He/she has noticed a general thining in his/her hair, so she decided to fight back by getting hair implants. This is her tale:

"The procedure starts with the doctor drawing on your face and shows you the area he'll be filling in. Then you ingest a steroid to counter any inflammation. Then they shave the donor area and inject it multiple times with anesthesia. When you are numb, the doctor cuts the donor area and then stitches it up. The stitch is 5 inches long. All this time I was watching a movie, "Death Becomes Her" , appropriate, right? The assistants start separating the follicles for implantation and the doctor marks the areas for implantation. I almost fell asleep while they were puncturing holes on my head, that's how relaxed I was at that point. Then the assistants start placing the hair grafts in the holes, took awhile, but no pain at all. After the implantation was completed, they gave me some topical stuff to apply but went out of the operating room relaxed and coherent - no bandages. No muss no fuss and voila! Beauty reclaimed!"

"Later,when I got home, I took the Darvocet they gave me and it made me vomit so much it reminded me of when I was a young and careless cheerleader, 40 years ago."

Above, you'll see Herminia's After Picture a day post alien impregnation, er... , hair transplantation.

I fully support Herminia's decision to valiantly grasp - with gnarled, age-spot riddled hands - his/her last vestiges of youth, vitality and moisture. If you have the spare change, why not? As Isabella Rosellini's character, Lisle Von Rhoman, proclaimed with relish: "Sempre Viva! Live Forever! [pregnant pause] And now, a word of warning."

Crispity, Crunchity Goodness at PPQ

Are you a sane person? Do your tastebuds function the way they should? Then I guarantee that you'll enjoy the peppercorn chicken wings at PPQ. For a measely $12.95 you will get these delicious chicken wings, they'll sprinkle it with crushed peppercorn and garlic chips and spices. Oh, soo very good for your soul. The crunch, the heat, the aroma...I can't say enough about this dish!

However, I think there are two mistakes about its presence in the menu :
1. It should not be called pepper corn chicken wings. The appropriate name is "garlic chips and peppercorn chicken wings". The abundance of the garlique sprinkled all over the plate is enough to kill all who belong to Team Edward, which is fine by me as I belong to Team Jacob.
2. This dish should not be categorized as an appetizer. It's sooo satisfying and they don't skimp on the portions, so it should be in the Entrees Section of their menu. Deelish!

I know, I know - some of you are already thinking that there are other, more noteworthy chicken wing dishes in San Francisco, (specifically San Tung's wet chicken wings - drool!) but as far as dry fried, garlicky chicken wings are concerned, I must stand my ground and say: PPQ, you rock my world! Die, vampires, die! BTW, I think PPQ stands for Pleasantly Pleasing the Queens. Another reason why I love this place. TTFN! (Ta Ta For Now)

Idina Who?

Well, it's finally happened. Hell has frozen over. I never, ever imagined that a male character in a primetime TV show would be given a chance to belt out a seminal piece of music such as "Defying Masculinity", I mean, "Defying Gravity", but that's exactly what happened at last night's episode of Glee, and I had to pinch myself a few times to realize it was true. It's official, gays are mainstream now, you all need to get used to it. After you've gotten used to it, you can take the obvious next step, adore the gays.

Yo, I'm not saying you need to start loving broadway musicals and start subscribing to Inches, but for reals, yo. It's time to evolve and society today dictates that gay bashing is passe', and gay embracing is au courant.

I'm not saying be like Kathy G., or Lady G., just be Yoself, G. Truedat.

Note: I can't believe I just typed "Truedat", but I think it kinda worked for this blog's content. PeaceOut! Ooops, I did it again.

To Do: Now that hell is frozen, it's time to get some pigs flying - the mission is to make Trannies the next accepted social group. So what if they are perceived as anomalies of nature? That's how homosexuals have been deemed since written history. Having the phrase, "Tranny Hot Mess" skyrocket to American familiarity is the first baby step, thanks to Project Runway alum Christian Siriano. It's time to trust your instincts, close your eyes and take a big leap - how about a pre-op tranny for president?

Pampered - then Pestered at Pampas

I was almost done with my peaceful, and very fulfilling lunch at Pampas, a Brazilian steakhouse in Las Vegas, when a creature from some lagoon sat in front of me and started eating the juicy meats on the table. I was frightened and did not want to disturb this monster's feast, but I wanted the pork slices for myself, so I asked it to kindly leave. The monster did not heed my request, instead it continued to eat, and eat, and eat. The creature grabbed little, wooden red and green doohickey that tells the servers your table wants more meat (green side up = go!), or to stop offering us meats (red side up = stop, I'm full...of beauty!) and turned it to indicate our table wants more meaty scrumptiousness. I was appalled and very much frightened for my life, but it occurred to me that if I just let the weirdo simply have its fill, then I can leave peacefully - and that's what I did, and I survived. Phew!

Tip #1: You may not mind so much that a monster ate most of your food if you got a coupon from Tix4Tonight. Not only do they offer same day show tickets for shows, they also sell coupons that give you discounted rates for some really great buffets and restaurants, including Pampas.

Tip #2: Lunch at Pampas is great and well worth it (bring the coupon), but they only serve five kinds of meats at this time. Dinner there is a bit more expensive, but they serve twelve different kinds of meats!

Krispy Kreme Cravings

You know it's been a while since you've treated yourself right when you find yourself en route to Target Colma and all of a sudden this desire for something so delicious and ultimately satiating beckons. Detour! I see neon lights blinking...nope, unfortunately it's merely a mirage. No classic glazed doughnuts are being made. But, wait (literally). If we wait long enough they're bound to make fresh, warm doughnuts sometime soon. Tick tock, tick tock. Anytime now. We were patient. We stood behind the glass wall set up for pefect viewing of the Krispy Kreme doughnut making process. The doughnut chef, an asian guy who seemed to delight in torturing us by taking his time to make a fresh batch, was a little annoyed that we had our faces plastered against the see-through glass, drool sliding down ever so slowly. Tick tock, tick tock. This is taking too long.

To hold us over we decide to get some drinks, the Mocha was way tooooooo sweet. Avoid it.

We asked for cups to get water from the drinking fountain, just to wash down that syrupy sweet after-taste left by the Mocha drink. Ironic that we can't wait to have our mouths filled by an equally saccharin, be-holed, fried morsel. Tick tock, tick tock. How much longer.Tick tock.

Finally, I see it...plop, plop. Doughnuts were being plopped into the hot oil/conveyor belt. It's begun. Mini Krullers were cooking! The perfectly portioned pieces dropped from the doohickey into the hot oil, flipped over by the oil-soaked conveyor machine, doused by winter-white glaze ...nothing in this planet can be more mesmerizing...and Voila! Time to eat.

Jonsey Balonsey Avatar: "Hi, Can I get a half-dozen of the freshly made doughnuts?"

Krispy Kreme Staff: "Sure."

Jonsey Balonsey Avatar: "Since we waited so long for freshly made ones, can we get some free samples?" (Smiling)

Krispy Kreme Staff: "Ummm...." (Silence - Looks down as if something really interesting is happening on the floor) "Here's your change. Have a good day." (Avoiding further eye contact, lest I ask for her first born)

Underwater Modeling 101

Being a well-rounded human being means being able to model underwater. It's the mark of a true artiste. On my recently concluded trip to Las Vegas I was able to practice my modelling skills at the Beach of Mandalay Bay hotel. The trick is to hold your breath while doing avante garde, contorty poses. This challenge is made even more difficult because the hotel's famous swimming pool generates waves like the oceans do. Super fun!
Tip: You will see a blue line on the pool's floor, make sure you hang around the deep side of the line or you'll get mean stares/whistles form the lifeguards!

Yazed accompanied me for this shoot and she did some "smizing" as well. She's not as modelesque as I am, but she's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Modelle. Tyra will be proud of her, she just may be the right kind of contestant for that famous reality show. Well, Tyra's done shorties, why not sea creatures, right?


Things to remember when modeling underwater:

1) Never wear chum necklaces when there are sharks around. They're predatory, you know.
2) Do not do a photoshoot in Waikiki seven to twelve days after the full moon. Box jellyfishies will get ya! For reals, ya'll.
3) Always leave electronics on terra firma. Your iPhone, as multi-talented as it is, does not have an app that turns it into fish.
4) Don't go in the water immediately after eating. Your mommie dearest was right.
5) When farting, make sure you splash around and generate lots of bubbles with your flailing limbs. This way your fart bubbles are camouflaged by your "distraction" bubbles.

Of course our photoshoot was inspired by Drew's fabulous underwater shoot with Elle. Her ethereal pics were so fashion-forward and dream-like that I forgot she's not a professional modelle, instead an accomplished actress who completely eliminated her Valley Girl accent for the "Grey Gardens" movie...what?!? Jessica Lange won the Emmy? Drew, dear, you were robbed. Not only did you get rid of your valley girl accent, you nailed everything about "Little Edie".

Photo Credit: http://www.elle.com/

Of Parched, Polka-Dotted Panoramas and Probes

I just came back from Las Vegas and I had a blast! I usually resist visiting this dry, hot place, but the call of the non-travelling Cirque Du Soleil shows was persistent and ultimately irresistible. On my flight to the desert of despicable desires, I peered out my porthole and saw just how beautiful and unique their landscape really is. Unfortunately, it's a view that lasts for only a few moments as our Virgin America plane zoomed pass these beautiful red cliffs. These photos were taken with my phone. Mother Nature, you're palette is surprising and unexpectedly grandiose.

On my flight back, I was anticipating seeing the same landscape spectacle. Alas, I ended up at the wrong side of the plane and instead of seeing the red cliffs that I witnessed earlier, I saw ...dundundun (50's horror soundtrack)...alien abduction sites! These polka-dotted location is a place where the aliens abduct all the people who gambled and lost their rent/food money along with their will to live, so desperation led them to the Extra Terrestial's call to submit to lurid experiments, i.e. anal probing!

Moral: Do not gamble all of your money away, unless you want to end up in an eerie, polka-dotted land where you play the role of a guinea pig for these lascivious aliens waiting in the outskirts of Vegas.
Note: Not all aliens are anal probers, some are probees (aka bottoms)...just so you know. Don't want to propagate any sort of stereotype. Aliens are human, too.

You Ain't Ready for This Jelly!

There are too many sea creatures that I'm enamored with: The irascible seals, those playful dolphins, the lazy sloth, the slithery serpent, etc. But I think one of the more beautiful sigths to behold is the floaty, ethereal, and mysterious Jelly Fish. I just find them so beautiful. But, you better watch out! That beauty is fake. Like a passable tranny in dim light, you'll be lulled into submission and get stung! You ain't ready for that jelly! The threadlike tentacles around the edge of the bell can sting - Ok, I'm just fear-mongering. Their "stings" are not powerful enough to pierce human skin. But the part about a passable tranny is true. Most M to Fs I know carry daggers, or swiss army knives, or a mini-screwdriver...I'm just saying.

Check out my fuzzy video below of these beautiful creatures at the Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39. They showcase Moon Jellyfish and the Brown Nettles, what I'm displaying is the former. The scientific name for this creature is Aurelia Aurita (cool, no? Like an old school drag queen). If I had a moon jelly fish pet I'll name her Aurelia Aurita too, but if it's a male, I'll call him Paco. Like other jellies, it primarily drifts with the current, even when swimming. They usually feed on crustaceans, mollusks, protozoas, and medusae.

FYI:Very tricky to find the entrace of the Aquarium of the Bay, you even need to go through some shops, but if you follow the signs you won't get lost.

Roe, Roe, Roe That Boat!

Food, glorious food. What is it about you that makes humans just go Lady Gaga over you? You're not merely a source of energy, but a reliable way to bring a smile to our overstuffed faces. Today, my posse and I went to Japantown for a much-deserved lunch break. Where else can you find bite-sized morsels of goodness floating around in front of you but in this flourescent lit structure of contrived Japanese-ness called Japantown. I doubt that Japan looks anything like this place, but I'm willing to go along for the ride.

I, of course, am referring to Isobune. They treat you right here. Warm, moist towels to start, all the sushi that your wallet allows you to eat, and - Gasp! They validate parking (they're one of the few establishments in J-Town that do). To those un-initiated, you simply sit down, watch the sushi boats float by and grab the ones you'd like to introduce to your digestive track, and your bill will be calculated by the stacks of plates you've accumulated (they're color coded).

My new favorite is the Uni sushi. Why? Cause it's indescribable and simply tastes delicious. There's also the special, called Happiness Sachi, which is a combo of uni, bbq eel, and crab salad. Yummmeee.

So, there you go. Don't miss out on this culinary experience. Seeing your food float by in front of you is not only fun, but also a testament to the fleeting nature of the culinary experience!

Sunset Musings at Ocean Beach

A while back, my bosom buddy, Chiqui Channing and I went on a leisurely stroll on Ocean Beach. We first had dinner at the Beach Chalet (hmm, so-so, not memorable at all) then went on a nice walk. Ocean Beach is a mere 15 minute drive from my hood (NOPA, formerly known as Western Addition) and it amazes me how we can just get stuck in our own immediate vicinity when there are so many amazing things to do around the city. Is it laziness? Are we superglued to our couches? Do we even realize how many people would love to just get up and take a brief ride to see a beautiful, bonafide Pacific Ocean sunset?

Well, Chiqui was eager to display her new, "authentic" designer shades, so she asked me to take this picture with my phone. After our impromptu photoshoot we scanned the sights and realized that this beach could use some warming up. Cold weather means bundled up bodies - boring. Shirtlessness is what it's all about!

Looking at the picture I'm realizing how much magnetite Ocean beach sand has. Did you know that during the last ice age the Sacramento river dumped large amounts of sand on the Pacific shoreline, about 20 miles west of where it is now? These sands were carried by the wind and covered the SF Peninsula creating a sand dune province. After the ice age, the sea level rose and covered these sands, they are now offshore sand bars that are pushed to the beach during the summer months. I studied all this and it was sooo not asked in my midterm Oceanography exam. Que lastima!

Thanks, Oceanography class!

Free Admission? No Thanks.

Recently visited the California Academy of Sciences on one of those free days. Well, we got what we paid for. Long lines, snarky crowds, and noisy kids. What is it about humans that make them go crazy when there are free samples, or a gift with purchase, or free oxygen. It's like they can't survive without it. It wasn't all a bust. Luckily, we got to see the albino crocodile (it got hospitalized shortly after), and the giant sea bass, and handled some pretty cool sea urchin. BTW, sea urchin is so yummy in sushi form. Check out picture below. No, of course you don't eat the spikey things, it's what's inside that counts - or so claims all unattractive beings, but in the case of sea urchins, it's true.

So, if I learned anything that day, it's that Free isn't always what it's cracked up to be. I'd rather pay the $5.00 entrance fee...what's that? It's $24.95 for young looking adults like me?...Ummm, on second thought...

Anywho, check out that giant fish. Is it just me or does the sight of that giant fish make you hungry for some fish and chips? Bangusilog? Mc Donald's Filet-O-Fish? Boullabaise? Ariel's bottom half? Oh, the culinary possibilities!

Trannies Are Everywhere in San Francisco

I've asked myself more than a few times, "What is it about San Francisco that seems to promote the abundance of transgenders?" Perhaps it's because we all seem to come from such different places and this difference in backgrounds make us accepting, not wary, of the new and unfamiliar. The other evening I was walking down TL and stumbled upon a group of asian trannies. They seemed to be having a grand time just traipsing around in their skimpy attires.

I asked one of the fierce chicks, why they thought the trannies abound in this city. Her reply: "It's because of the demand. This city demands new and unusual things. Right now, we're relatively new and unusual so we're in demand. Tomorrow, San Franciscans will want something even more unusual. So, perhaps in a decade or so they'll want to be with a half human - half android partner." I thought about this and I realized how "normal" I was.

I asked if I could take her picture, she agreed. It took us 10 minutes to find the an acceptable background. We both liked the fence. Her name is Fantastica a la Mode. Fierce, right? She's a natural in front of the camera. I wished her a fruitful hunting, she stated that she did not need luck for San Francisco is the place of "Chasers", e.g. Tranny Chasers, Chubby Chasers, etc. Pretty much everyone has a market here.

As we parted ways, I contemplated whether aliens will really be the next "in" thing. One can only dream.